Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a method for conflict resolution and social change International Fellowship of Reconciliation German branch

supported by the Ministry of Integration and Family Project experience: Constructive Conflict managment in Communes and Boroughs (CCC) 2001 - 2005 supported by the Ministry of Integration and Family

Nonviolent Communiation Words can be walls – or windows „What I want in life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on mutual giving from the heart. And on this ground acting for peace and social change“ Marshall Rosenberg

NVC is ... a language of compassion a tool for social change and peace work a way to connect with oneself and others transforming conflicts acting out of authonomy and free will understanding on level of needs and feelings

Wolf and Giraffe Words can be walls or windows

Communication Disconnecting Connecting Evaluation, Interpretation Devaluation Position Order Conflict = Danger War-tradition Feeling=sign of failing Win-loose – strategy Judge, Guilt, blame Analysis World of boundries Observation Appreciation Needs, Interestes Request, Free will Conflict = Chance Tradition of comprehension Feeling=signpost for understanding Win-Win – strategy, synergy Mediation Compassionate listening World of rich variety

Diconnecting Communication Impact on personal and interpersonal development Regarding oneself (self worth) and otheres: Punish, demand, compare, analyze, criticize, praise, blame, evaluate Reactivity, Defensiveness, Dependence, Fixation on outcome

Connecting Communication Impact on personal and interpersonal development Regarding oneself (inherent self worth) and others: Request, connect, understand, compassion, needs, feelings, protect, appreciate, listen Concious responses, Autonomy, Focus on connection, Interdependence

The four components of NVC Observation Feelings Needs Request Distinguishing them from judegments, interpretations and demands Fostering of understanding, connection and authonomy

1. Observation: 2. Feelings: 3. Needs: 4. Request: Description of what is seen/heard. 2. Feelings: Our inner experience rather than reaction to what other people are doing. 3. Needs: The cause of our feelings. That what we need (universal). 4. Request: Doable, immediate and positive action. Empathy: Listening to what is going on in me and the other person.

Feelings show weather needs are met or not met Feelings we have when needs are not met: Afraid, concerned, nervous, over-whelmed, shocked frustrated, irritated bored, depressed, exhausted, hurt hopeless, sad, tired Feelings we have when needs are met: Amazed, alive, calm confident, encouraged, glad, grateful hopeful, loving, peaceful, relaxed touched, stimulated joyful, eager

Needs Subsistence Freedom Celebrating / mourning Security Food / Rest / Shelter / Clear Air and Water / Intimity Freedom Autonomy / Choice / To speak one`s mind Celebrating / mourning Creativity / learning / inspiration Security Openness / Order / Safety / Honesty / Trust Participation Belonging / Community / Harmony / Recognition / Support / Respect / To enrich life / Learning Understanding Consideration / Empathy / Peace of mind / Love / Peace / Beauty / Meaning

Four Steps (expression) Observation When I see/hear ... Feeling I feel ... Need Because I need ... Request Would you be willing ...?

Four Steps (empathy) When I you see/hear ... Do you feel ...? Observation When I you see/hear ... Feeling Do you feel ...? Need Because you need ... ? Request Would you like ...?

„The class is out of control. The teaching seems to be a mass...“ Observation: When I see, how unhappy my daughter is, when she comes home and tells what has happened at school... Feeling: I´m feeling alarmed and concerned... Need: ...because I need clarity about what`s going on for my daughter. I need to know that she is safe and supported. Request: Would you be willing to share with me what you see happening and the steps you`re taking to foster harmony among the children?

Fields of applicating NVC Intercultural dialogue Administration NGO`s Local authority University Team, Networks School, Kinder garden Neighbourhood, Family Company Government, Politics

Preperation and planing Example: SCHOOL PROJECT Preperation and planing School conference Teacher training Parents training Project week Evaluation Start End Request Need Feeling Supervision and Ongoing practice

Exercise Think of a non-NVC reaction/response you made: __________________________ Now transform into NVC: What was your observation?____ How did you feel?_____________ What did you need?___________ What could be a request?______

Optionen im Konflikt Quelle: Schule für Mediation und Verständigung, Steyerberg

Gefühle bei unerfüllten Bedürfnissen angespannt, ängstlich, aggressiv, aufgeregt, bedrückt, beschämt, besorgt, betroffen, deprimiert, einsam, elend, entsetzt, erschöpft, erschrocken, frustriert, gehemmt, geladen, gelangweilt, gleichgültig, hilflos, müde, nervös, sauer, skeptisch, traurig, ungeduldig, unzufrieden, unter Druck, verspannt, verschlossen,wütend, verzweifelt, zornig

Gefühle bei erfüllten Bedürfnissen angeregt, ausgeglichen, beflügelt, befreit, begeistert, berührt, dankbar, energetisch, engagiert, entschlossen, entspannt, erfüllt, ermutigt, frei, froh, geborgen, gelassen, heiter, interessiert, kraftvoll, lebendig, liebevoll, offen, selbstsicher, still, unternehmungslustig, verliebt, wachsam, zufrieden, zärtlich, zuversichtlich

Der Wolf Meine Lieblingsbeschäftigung ist, mich ärgern Wenn ich angegriffen werde, muß ich zurückbeißen Ich mache oft Schuldzuweisungen Ich stelle Forderungen statt Bittend Ich denke „Mit Dir ist etwas nicht in Ordnung“ Ich sehe besonders, was jemand nicht kann Man kann anderen nicht trauen

Die Giraffe Ich habe das größte Herz aller Landtiere Ich stehe für Austausch und Klarheit Ich sage, was ich brauche Ich kann Gefühle und Bedürfnisse anderer rausfinden Ich bin fähig, um Hilfe zu bitten Weil ich mich selbst wertschätze, kann ich auch andere wertschätzen Mein Blick richtig sich auf Möglichkeiten, statt auf Defizite

Giraffen-Detektiv werden Was hat die Person gesagt oder getan? Worauf hat die Person reagiert? Was hat die Person gedacht? Was hat die Person gefühlt? Was hat die Person gewollt oder gebraucht?